Birth Trauma Survivor and Maternal Health Advocate

“I didn’t pay attention to times or distance, instead focusing on how it felt just to be in motion, knowing it wasn't about the finish line but how I got there that mattered.” ― Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever

How are you?

I’ve missed you. I’m serious. I really did miss you.

I was on hiatus. I never intended for it to be this long but something else has been demanding  the majority of my attention.

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I know what you’re thinking. When did this happen?

Oh yes.

I did it!

I had another baby girl on March 19th-with no complications this time. Whew!

If you aren’t one of my Facebook “friends” or related to me via blood or marriage, chances are you had no idea that I was pregnant. There never seemed to be a good time to bring it up on the blog.  I knew that you would be worried about me. I knew that you would have questions that I didn’t want to answer. I had my own fears to conquer first.

My eldest daughter,Miss J, recently turned four years old. Can you believe it? She was just two years old when I started telling you our story. Back then, healing mentally and physically from the postpartum hemorrhage, the public miscarriage and PTSD were my goals. My husband Bobby and I wanted another child, but we were open to receiving that child in whatever way fate meant it to be. Because my body seemed prone to complications, we researched adoption and surrogacy. We had been to hell and back, and now we were older and wiser. But with age came new obstacles.

Three years later, we felt ready to try again. I thought it would be easy to get pregnant again because five years ago it happened quicklyAnd so we tried and we tried and we tried. (Sorry, was that TMI?) I hated trying to have a baby. Gone were the newlyweds having fun the summer after our wedding, carefree and in love. Now it was all business. We had an ovulation calendar and researched things like what time of day sperm is most potent. Trying to have a baby three years later was not fun. It wasn’t happening. After being disappointed with two false positive results on home pregnancy tests, I needed to take a break from trying. We were emotionally exhausted after getting our hopes up and becoming excited, only to find out a few weeks later that we hadn’t conceived.

I know what you are thinking. I thought it all the time too.

I constantly reminded myself of how lucky we were to have Miss J. Many women who long to be mothers will never receive the gift of motherhood. I wanted to have several children, well- at least two. I was sad about the possibility that I might not have any more children. I was genuinely happy for my friends who had moved on to having baby number two and three, yet also jealous at times. Two years ago, it seemed like the only updates on my Facebook news feed were baby announcements. I would smile as I scrolled down the screen, looking at picture after picture of toddlers wearing “I’m going to be a big brother” or “I’m going to be a big sister” t-shirts.

When was it going to be my turn? I would ask myself. Then, I would scold myself.

What if you die giving birth next time? You’re lucky to be alive! Be grateful for your one healthy child!

But I am human.

The heart wants what the heart wants.



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